


Resurrection

by Fabrisse



Category: Lewis (TV)
Genre: Episode: s02e03 Life Born of Fire, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-15
Updated: 2015-02-15
Packaged: 2018-03-13 01:36:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3362954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fabrisse/pseuds/Fabrisse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If Zoe Kenneth had succeeded, Robbie thought it might kill him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Resurrection

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Lewis Roulette 2015 at lewis_challenge. For Black 32, I got Fall Out Boy's _The Phoenix_. The rhythm felt like James' emotional state, but the words came across more like Robbie.

By the time he’d gotten to the car, his temper was beginning to cool. It had always been his way slow to anger, quick to flare, and fairly quick to calm again. Not like Val, she didn’t lose her temper often, but when she did get upset, it could last for weeks. 

Robbie debated with himself for a moment, and then walked back toward where he’d last seen his sergeant. Hathaway was nowhere to be seen. He headed back toward his car. On the one hand, he hated to leave things the way they were between them. The lad obviously needed a listening ear, and Robbie should have worried about any work related reprimand -- or discussion, more like -- later. On the other hand, Hathaway out with his friends dancing or talking or just listening to music was likely to put him in a better frame of mind, more receptive to the critique -- and God, Robbie hoped he could keep it gentle -- which was going to be required when next they saw each other.

Robbie debated developing a third hand and shrugged. He headed back to the office to look at all the evidence again, especially in light of the message on his sergeant’s back.

***  
He’d fucked it up. What was it the Americans said? FUBAR? “Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition”? Well that was him. He’d been a prig and a false friend to William. He’d lied to himself and others about it, too. And he’d deceived his boss, which was both stupid and unnecessary. It was easy to rationalize for most people. “I didn’t lie; I just didn’t say anything.” But the confession made it clear, as any good seminarian knew, that sins of omission are just as powerful and damaging as those of commission. And then Zoe was waiting on his step and not being alone tonight sounded perfect.

Zoe took his hand and said, “I know you’re upset about your inspector, but he seems like a good man.”

“He is. I just…”

“Want to apologize for being human. Do it the next time you see him. I’m sure he’ll find a perfect penance for you.” Her smile was warm, and James squeezed her hand.

“I could call him.” James shrugged. “Apologies are always better face to face.”

They stopped to eat a little later, cheap Italian on the route to Zoe’s flat. The conversation turned inward over food and wine.

“When Will first told me he was gay, I just didn’t know what to think. I hated the boys at school getting off with each other and then calling one another gay or worse. He was a teenager, stuck in same sex schools, and I figured he couldn’t be. He didn’t _know_ because he’d never known anything else. And I laughed.”

Zoe sipped her wine and gave an enigmatic smile. “Did you think he was going to make a pass at you?”

“I… When I told my inspector about it, I implied that, but I don’t think so, really. I never got the chance to talk to him about it -- what he wanted out of his admission. All my fault, that, of course, but…”

“But adolescents are insecure, and you weren’t entirely sure of yourself?”

James shook his head. “No. The opposite. I’d never been attracted to any of the boys in my year, never had the crushes on the more senior boys that so many of the younger students had. I guess I assumed that I was either heterosexual or a natural celibate.”

“Asexual?”

James thought a moment. “Then? Maybe.” He smiled at her and twined their fingers. “Now? Definitely not.”

Zoe stroked her thumb over the back of his hand. “One-hundred percent heterosexual.”

“No. That would have been too easy. Hell, gay would have been easier. I could at least have justified my treatment of Will as teenaged panic or fear of discovery.”

“Bi?”

James nodded. “I’ve heard someone call it pansexual. The relationship, the feeling, has to be there before the attraction can hit. The boys at school -- there were never any, other than Will, with whom I had more than a surface friendship. And if I’d been a little more mature -- emotionally, sexually -- when he came out to me, maybe it would have ended in a kiss. I certainly cared for him deeply enough. At the very least, I might have been able to act like a friend, with understanding.”

“You don’t seem sure about that.”

“I was still thinking of seminary. In college, I… well, women weren’t a problem and there were a couple that I cared for deeply enough to make the running.”

Zoe chuckled a bit. “And how did the would-be seminarian justify his sexual escapades to himself?”

 

“The way most would-be seminarians do. It would help me to understand my parishioners better, help me in the confessional.”

There was a long silence. “What?” Zoe said.

“Then I fell in love with a man. A straight man. I never said a word to him. I couldn’t, but that was when I finally understood my sexuality and I thought it was the worst sin. Never mind that there’s not a word in the ten commandments about it. Never mind that Christ never said one word against same sex relationships, though that might have just been that Jesus never realized we’d want to know his opinion of them.”

“Then why…?”

“Because by then I was in seminary and God was going to help me through it. If I could overcome sinful urges, so could he. I adhered rigidly to the dogma because that was the only rock I had. If he’d come to me after I left the seminary, but… I might still have been horrible to him. It took me awhile to realize that God’s only real requirement of his people is compassion.”

Zoe said, “I think you’re a good man, James. At the very least, you’ve always tried to be which is more than I can say for some.”

“It’s not enough to try, and with Will, I know I failed. Failed him in the worst possible way.”

Zoe said. “Let’s go back to mine.”

James kissed her hand. “I’d love to.” He signaled for the bill.

“May I ask a very impertinent question?”

“Ask. I won’t guarantee I’ll answer.”

“Are you in love with your Inspector Lewis?”

James eyes went wide. “I hope it’s not obvious to the whole world.”

“No. I don’t think it is. It’s just, I know what it is to be unrequited. I recognized the symptoms.”

He said, “I’ll walk you home.” The warmth in his voice was gone.

“You’ll come in? Stay the night? We need comforting.”

James knocked back the last of the wine in his glass, and his face softened. “Yeah. We both need someone tonight.”

***  
Robbie couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt panic the way he had when he’d found out that uniform had lost track of his sergeant. He’d been figuring out the best way to talk to Hathaway when they saw each other again, in between trying to figure out who had killed three people and was aiming to take Hathaway’s life as well. When the Chief Super had figured out Zoe Kenneth was the killer, Robbie’d been near to panic. He barely remembered rushing into the building and getting his sergeant out, but he never thought he’d forget holding him back, preventing him from following Zoe back into that house.

Sitting by Hathaway’s bed, all he could think was this was his chance for their relationship to be reborn. He forgot how young Hathaway was sometimes, how powerful shame and confusion could be. Age might not confer wisdom, but it did a lot with clarity. 

Their time had nearly run out, and Robbie couldn’t have taken that loss. He was glad, beyond glad, that their relationship came through the fire to be reborn.


End file.
